I'm moving!!!

Well... I'm not actually moving home but.. I want to!!! No I don't really want to move but right now that's what I want! I'm having one of those moments when you ask God what the h*** you have done so bad for your life to be so miserable! Why do parents have to be so annoying? God! Did someone tell them: Hey, now you're a parent, your mission is to make your children's lives impossible.?Have someone told them that? Ok, listen. I know, I know they want the best for us. I know they love us and I know they're not perfect. But it's so freaking desperating when they act like if they were so sure  that they're right when they're NOT! And you can't say anything. You can't complain because no matter what, they're your parents. They gave you your life and you have to love them, even when they make you want to scream so loud until you lose your voice and even when they make you want to throw yourself from a window;  you have to love them.

Today, my sister and me were talking to my mom, and I brought to subject, the issue about her not letting us go out enough and her treating us like little girls when WE ARE NOT LITTLE GIRLS! So... of course, she always has an answer. Her actual excuse is that: We don't earn what we want. And also, we're not mature enough. Ok, I brought my always USELESS weapon: "But YOU did everything you wanted to do when you were my age! My grandma wasn't as harsh as you are with me." No, no. I didn't win. She always has an answer for that: "My times weren't like these. Being out wasn't so dangerous as it is nowadays. And I also had my older sisters and brothers and blah blah blah..." I DON'T CARE! Sorry if I'm not so lucky to have brothers or older sisters. I am my own older sister! I'm not so lucky to have someone who sists by your side night by night and talk to you about her experiences in life. Yes; it would be wonderful to have that someone who could teach you what to do and what not to do. But I don't have that someone. I have to learn it all by myself. So what?! Do I have to stay grounded at home because of that? NO! I want to learn. I want to LIVE!

I just want her to understand me. I'd like her to see things the way I see them. But she just can't. She's denied to see my point of view. And it's ok! Next time I decide to spend (for nothing) a few minutes talking to her about that issue (though deep inside I know it's useless that I keep trying), this is what I plan to tell her:
Do you want to see your daughter being an old 40 something woman living like a 16 girl? Because that's what you'll get if you don't let me LIVE my young time like YOU lived yours. You'll see me like a crazy old woman hanging at dance clubs every night doing EVERYTHING I COULDN'T DO WHEN I WAS 16. Think about it.

Okay...I already imagined what her answer will be: If you do that, it's your problem. I won't care anymore when you're 40. You'll be an adult by then and your life will be your own responsability, not mine. Not anymore.

Aaaahhh!!! She always win. I haven't told her that yet and I already know that she'll find the way to end up like the winner. It doesn't matter what I do, at the end, my life depends on her. I have to do what she wants me to do, why? Because maybe I'm the one who's afraid to take my own decisions! Maybe it's true. Maybe I'm not mature enough. I don't know... I always end like this. All confused. It gets to a point where I'm not really sure if I'm the one who's right or if she's the one who's, like always, right.

Maybe I should just give up. Face the truth, and the truth is that I DON'T OWN MY LIFE. I can try and try hard to deny it but at the end of the day, parents are the ones who control your life; though we don't like it. Now, why I let them control my life? Because I know they love me and BLAH BLAH BLAH..... the real reason is that I'm not f**** brave enough to tell them that THEY'RE NOT ALWAYS RIGHT! That they're wrong sometimes too. And last
but not least, that MY LIFE IS MY LIFE . (PERIOD)!

Deciding your future

The title says it all. I'm trying to decide, to figure out what kind of future I want to have. You know, when we're kids, we know that when we grow up we will be doctors, teachers, police officers, pilots. And then we start to grow up and we find out we don't want to be teachers anymore. Either we want to be doctors or police officers. We start to wonder what do we really, really want to be in our lives. What do we want to do with them to make them useful. When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a mermaid. I also wanted to fly. Now I want to be rich. That's life. We grow up and start to live what we never thought we could live. We start to think a way we never thought we could think.

I have great memories about my years in pre-school. I was about 5 years old and my group was going to graduate, so the school was making a memories book for us, so that when we grew up, we could remember those great times we had before beginning the journey of our lives. At least that's what I've used mine for. It has, from the favorite story book of each of my classmates and me, to the carreers we said we were going to choose when we grew up. Here there are some of them:

• Diane: "Doctor."
• Me: "My daddy's secretary."
• Julia: "Fashion designer, like my mommy."
• Paul: "Pilot... and cowboy."
• Raymond: "Strong, like Superman"
• Isabelle: "Foreigner."

And so on... Now I wonder who of those of my old friends, is even thinking about choosing that ''career'', if you can call it like that, they were going to ''study'' when they grew up. No. They're not thinking about it. Now we have to decide. To think big, but specially,to think REAL. Aaah that's so bad. I hate having to think real. It's like: My time is almost over, the fun is going to end soon. I gotta think. think. think. SO EXHAUSTING.

 

I've been checking out some aptitude, vocational, all kind of tests lately (with lately I mean for the last 2 or 3 years). And I can't. I can't decide what I want to do with my future. I mean, I know what I want to have, what I don't know is how I am going to get it. I've thought of being an architect, a bussiness woman, a phsycologist, a fashion designer, a writer. I've thought of everything. So what should I do? Why isn't there a user's manual for choosing a career? And don't tell me there are ''ways''. Because I'm tired of listening there are ''ways'' for me to find out what do I want to do. I know there are ways. BUT THEY DON'T WORK! At least not for me. They just get me more and more confused. I want to do something that I like, but I also want to do something that I know I can be good at it. And of course, something that could make money. So let's say I'm like, running out of ''ways". Can't God send me a sign and tell me: This is what you are. This is what I made you for. And no, I'm not going to be a nun. If you were asking.

Anyway. I think I should just... wait. I don't know. Maybe, something will come to my mind at the last minute and that will be it! Yeah, right. Whatever. Meanwhile, I think I'm just going to focus in preparing myself for anything I decide to do later. Though it's just about umm.. a year, that's left for me to have to decide, but it's ok. I don't have to freak out. I'll let you know when I make my decision. And I hope it's soon.

 

Second day with my blog

It feels great having an own space to express yourself and say what you think. Today I couldn't wait to come and type some words on my blog, not caring if anyone reads them or not. I just write. I let my hands flow with the keyboard under them and I start to get used to it, and then by the time I'm finished, I realize I've written a bunch of words. A bunch of words, and I also wonder who I'm writing them for, not because I care if anyone does, but because if someone does, then I would want to want to know what things crossed their mind while reading them.  But this is what it is. Having a blog. I know you might be thinking "Okay. She's a freak."  But I'm not!...not too much. Just kidding. I'm just a little, you know.  Anyway, I'm starting to like this whole thing, so don't be surprised if you see five posts a day or something. I'm just... enjoying it. And something else; I promise this will be my last post about me blogging. I know IF anyone's seen my blog, they're probably wondering if it's about blogging... but it's not. Ok, that's enough. Wait for my next post in... a few minutes.

Saying hi to all the bloggers and readers!

So this is my first post and I thought I should do something REALLY interesting with it, though I don't know if it's going to be read by at least one person and I've never done this blogging thing before, so basically I don't know very well what kind of thing I should write about for my first post. And that's why right now I'm having the idea of writing about first posts for newborn-bloggers, like me. This kind of stuff should be easy for people who say they ''love'' writing, not talking specifically about me, but yeah ok talking about me... actually it's not so easy when you want people to think your blog is going to be interesting. Because it depends on this first post that people wants to come to your blog again and laugh out loud a little bit like they did with your first post. Or if people wants to come and cry a little bit more with another beautiful story you would have for them, like the one they read on your first post. It is all about this little thing we have to write to introduce ourselves to the blogging world. I know it sounds exaggerated but it's true! I say it for myself, because at least I think that way. If I read something boring or, I don't know, weird for a first post from anyone, it wouldn't make me feel attracted to that person's blog. You know it's true. So, my theory is: Write good first posts, and everything else will flow easier. Now, is this post of mine a good one? Good question. I hope it is because if it's not, it would be very embarrassing. If you'd like to let me know, please comment. :)